Facts of Life
by Yokomi
Summary: Pleasing everyone is impossible... but pissing everyone off is easy and as fun as hell.


**Author's Notes:** This is just something I came up with. If you find it boring, I'm sorry! XD But I hope you enjoy it ;)

 **Disclaimer:** I OWN NOTHING!

 **Facts of Life**

He has turned it into a game. He plays it every day. He makes sure to add new people to his list every once in a while, but he also never forgets to play it with his previous playmates. _It wouldn't do to disappoint them,_ he tells himself.

For some reason though, his playfellows never enjoy the game, seldom abide by the rules he sets and overreact when they finally get that he was just toying with them.

With a wistful sigh, Kakashi leaves the Memorial Stone to start another day, begin another game and hope the person he's messing with gets worked up enough to give him a show.

Just as he is getting ready to search for Sarutobi Asuma (a favorite playmate of his) or Shiranui Genma (he still couldn't get that particular playmate riled up enough for a decent reaction, but he believes he'll get there someday), he remembers and almost groans.

He takes a right and walks right past the Jonin Standby station (he's sure Asuma, Genma and all his other playmates will forgive him for being late, he didn't forget them, just postponed the game a bit) and heads to a certain bridge.

Then, in a moment of clarity, it dawns on Kakashi that he needn't postpone the game at all. Instead of playing _just_ with Asuma or _only_ with Genma, he has a chance to mess with _three_ people _at the same time._ And the best part? No one will even care, but he's sure to get a few (or a lot) of good laughs out of it.

It's with that thought in mind that he appears on the bridge's rail, the eye-smile that he knows is infuriating cleverly put in place. With a wave, he greets his three cute Genin chirpily, "Yo! Sorry I was late. There was this old lady-"

"Liar!" Two out of the three yell out simultaneously, Kakashi wonders if they actually time it. He also wonders why they would never hear the whole story; someday, it might be the truth (But that day is not today, obviously).

-oOo-

"Babysitting?!" Naruto, his loudest student to date, asks incredulously after they get their mission, "Why?!" Sakura and Sasuke, his very first fangirl and her crush respectively, say nothing, but it's obvious by Sakura's suddenly rage-filled eyes and Sasuke's unfriendly pout (though Sasuke always looks like that, but the point still stands, Kakashi argues) that they agree ninety nine percent plus a single percent with their boisterous, ramen-obsessed, orange knucklehead of a teammate.

"Maa… babysitting is one of the most important jobs a Genin can do," Kakashi isn't about to tell them that he hasn't been on any babysitting missions during _his_ Genin days (entirely not his fault. The kids he was supposed to babysit were older than him most of the time, and who would trust a five-year-old to take care of another five-year-old?)

"But it's _babysitting,_ dattebayo! It's boring! And besides, how can it be important?" Naruto asks again and both Sakura's and Sasuke's eyes lighten up as the three look at him, silently (or in Naruto's case, not so silently) demanding an answer. Kakashi takes extra care to make his next eye-smile much more irritating than usual.

"If you can't take care of a kid, how can you expect to watch out for bandits as you escort an important politician for example?" Naruto snorts, Sakura scoffs and Sasuke glares.

"It's a kid. Kids can't get into too much trouble, dattebayo!" Naruto argues loudly and stubbornly that Kakashi has the urge to prove him wrong.

"The worst that can happen is that we lose the kid, and even then, we can find him easily enough," Sakura agrees, but Kakashi tries to refrain from shaking his head. Now, he is definitely going to toy with them. They asked for it, indirectly as it was, but Kakashi always likes to look underneath the underneath.

"Maa… since you three think it's such an easy job, I'll try to make it as hard as possible… for educational purposes," Kakashi doesn't usually give them warnings, but this time, the reaction is worth it. His Genin, Sasuke included, shudder collectively. Sakura's face flushes red as she realizes her mistake, but Naruto remains as oblivious as ever, although even he looks a bit panicked.

And thus begins Team Seven's 'Babysitting' mission, although the members of the team, sans its leader, will come to dub this mission as 'Kakashi-sensei's Utterly Stroppy Occurrences', or 'KUSO' for short.

They head to the house, looking more like soldiers marching to a battlefield or prisoners heading to their execution than Genin doing a mission. They reach the door, but the Genin are not brave enough to knock, or so Kakashi tells himself. He chances a glance at each of his three cute soldiers.

Sasuke, disappointedly enough, looks as he always does, with a glare darkening his dark features and little else. But… Kakashi can catch the faint clenching and unclenching of his fists, even as Sasuke tries to hide his hands away from anyone's view. _Uneasy, check._

Sakura looks to all the world like she could care less about the mission. With a soft smile gracing her features and the steady rising and falling of her chest, she looks peaceful, too much so, which is what hints at her supposed comfort. Her acting skills are too good, but not enough to fool her teacher. Kakashi can see the way her eyes move too quickly, looking at the closed door in one moment, then looking at her teammates or sensei in the next. _Panicked, check._

Naruto… well, Kakashi decides that they should work on his acting skills. They're going to need a lot of polishing. His face is as white as a sheet, his brain having finally caught up with the promise his teacher had made because of his and Sakura's combined efforts. His hands shake ever so slightly, a shaking he tries to hide by clenching his fists. _Jumpy, check._

Kakashi smiles at all three of his Genin, his eye crinkling up in that familiar fashion. Sasuke, Sakura and Naruto all gulp inaudibly. Kakashi takes it upon himself to knock on the door. Sakura, Naruto and Sasuke watch him knock like it's the most fascinating thing they've ever seen. The door opens and a woman in a Jonin uniform welcomes them with a smile. Naruto and Sakura attempt to smile back, but their smiles seem twisted. Thankfully, Sasuke doesn't try to smile.

"You're a little late, but thank you for coming," The Jonin says cheerfully, "Don't worry, Toraburu-chan is a good kid. I'm running late, so if you'll excuse me, I should be taking my leave," The Jonin waves before she invites them in and leaves to complete her mission outside the village.

"How nice. Toraburu-chan's name means 'trouble'," Kakashi points out, his tone light and jolly.

"Who names their kid after trouble?" Sakura shakes her head, "Poor kid…" Naruto nods in agreement, although, in Kakashi's humble opinion, Minato-sensei and Kushina-san weren't being too creative when they called their son after ramen, which coincidentally enough, became Naruto's favorite food.

"Where is she, dattebayo?" Naruto utters the question that is on everyone's minds (whether Kakashi-sensei is wondering the same thing at that moment remains a mystery). Sasuke doesn't speak nor does he do anything at all. He is fully content to let his teammates handle the kid without him getting involved in any way.

Kakashi shrugs and makes himself comfortable on a couch in the living room, "Better go look for her before she lives up to her namesake," He advises while taking out his favorite book, chuckling about one thing or the other. Naruto is the first to act.

"Hey, Toraburu-chan, come out, come out, wherever you are!" He says in a singsong voice as if calling for a cat, clicking his tongue and looking under the couches and chairs.

"We're looking for a girl not a cat, you idiot!" Sakura shouts as she punches Naruto on his head. The poor blond lands on the floor in a grumbling, aching mess. Sakura rubs her head thoughtfully, "It would have helped if that Jonin told us anything _before_ she left,"

"But we were already running late. If she had stayed, she would have been late in meeting her team," Kakashi says with a shrug.

"Late? But you said we had to be here at nine!" Sakura argues in confusion, glancing at the clock, "We're five minutes _early_!"

"Oh, did I? Sorry, I thought I told you that we had to be here at eight. Hmm… what a pity," Kakashi mutters with a shake of his head, eye never leaving the book he is holding. Sakura's face flushes angrily and her right eye twitches involuntarily before she lets out a sigh.

"At least we were only late for about an hour…" Sakura, then, heads to the second floor, looking in the rooms.

"Where could she have gone to, dattebayo?" Naruto wonders out loud.

"Hn…" Sasuke couldn't care less. He sits on a couch away from Kakashi and crosses his arms. A shriek from the second floor has the two Genin on their feet. Sasuke reaches for his weapons' pouch while Naruto gets ready to go up the stairs.

"That would be Sakura," Kakashi informs them needlessly. He has a foot propped up on a low table, seemingly comfortable and not even thinking about getting up any time soon. Seeing that their teacher isn't going to be of any help, Sasuke and Naruto climb the stairs silently, making sure to be on the alert. They can make out Sakura's muffled voice and head towards it.

 _Maybe bandits attacked! Or worse, some sort of monster attack Sakura-chan and Toraburu-chan! We have to get there fast, dattebayo!_ Naruto and Sasuke open the door of the room they think Sakura is in, the wooden door bangs against the wall with a loud thud.

What they see on the other side of the door makes Sasuke cross his arms in annoyance and provokes Naruto to let out a breath he didn't know he was holding.

"Aw, you're so cute!" Sakura remarks again while pinching their charge's cheeks. Emerald green eyes glare at the pink-haired girl, but that only makes Sakura shriek louder and pinch the poor kid's cheeks harder. The child tucks a strand of her shoulder-length brown hair behind her ear as she glares at the newcomers as well.

Knowing better than to scold his teammate, Naruto smiles, "You found her! Good job Sakura-chan, dattebayo!" The three Genin with their charge in tow head down the stairs.

"You found Toraburu-chan. Very good," Kakashi comments and giggles at something he read.

"So you four are my new babysitters?" Toraburu asks in a rather rude tone, her girly voice impudent, "I've told Mother and Father over and over again. I don't need babysitters. I'm five and fully capable of taking care of myself… at least I'll be able to look after myself better than you,"

"Hey, what's that supposed to mean, dattebayo?!" Naruto demands, angrily pointing at the child a good two heads shorter than him. Toraburu sighs and puts a hand over her eyes, muttering something or the other under her breath.

"Well, what I've seen of you so far insinuates that you're inexperienced, idiotic and easily fooled," The girl says snidely. _That's a five year old? Her words and rudeness make her seem much older… aren't five year olds supposed to be cute and innocent?_ Sakura wonders to herself, "First, Pinkie-nee over there obviously cares a lot about her looks. She cares more about her hair and clothes than her strength. Not fit to be a ninja,"

Sakura's eye twitches again. _This is outrageous! I can't just listen to this brat talk and insult me like that! What a complete jerk!_ Inner Sakura bellows.

"Now, we move on to Orange-nii. Zero subtlety, no tact to speak of and very impulsive," Toraburu raises a brow at Naruto's indignant yelp, "Can never make it past Genin, obviously,"

Naruto is on the verge of shutting that kid up using his fists, even if she is a five-year-old girl who doesn't know better. _No one talks to Uzumaki Naruto like that! I'm going to be Hokage one day, dattebayo! You just watch me!_

"Cyclops-nii..." The girl gives the book in Kakashi's hands a nasty look, "Perverted and lazy, need I say more? I don't even know how you made it to Jonin with that attitude," Kakashi eye-smiles at the girl, not the least bothered by her characterization, "And finally… Cool-nii. Good-looking with something to prove. Obviously smart and powerful. You're the only one who stands a chance to become a true shinobi!"

"What?! How come _he's_ the only one who doesn't get a rude description, dattebayo?!" Naruto demands heatedly while shaking his hand in fury.

"Wait… you knew all that just by looking at us?" Sakura asks incredulously.

"Of course. I plan to become a ninja who actually stands a chance, unlike you," Toraburu says with a scoff, giving Sakura, Naruto and Kakashi a pointed look. Sakura and Naruto bristle. Kakashi flips the page. Sasuke sits down on the couch again with a self-satisfied smirk. Naruto and Sakura share a look then look back at the uncouth kid.

"Look here, kid, we were assigned to watch over you, but that doesn't give you the right to-!" Naruto doesn't continue. He lunges for Toraburu instead, grabbing her and skidding on the floor to the other side of the room. A mountain of ill-balanced kunai, shuriken and other pointy projectiles land with a loud clatter on the ground.

"Lesson number one," Kakashi's voice cuts the silence that suddenly descends upon the room, "Always expect danger to strike at any moment," _When did he even get a chance to put that up?!_ All three of the Genin think simultaneously.

"A-Are you mad?! That could have killed me!" Toraburu exclaims indignantly, "And you! Let go of me!" Naruto gets a hard kick to the face after saving their charge from certain death. Naruto rubs his face, muttering under his breath as he shuffles to the couch. _Next time, I'm not saving that kid, dattebayo!_

"Lesson number two," The Genins' eyes flit over to their teacher immediately, "Never let your client out of your sight," Sakura instantly looks back to Toraburu… or at least the spot Toraburu was in just a moment ago.

"Where did she go?!" Sakura asks loudly.

"How am I supposed to know, dattebayo?!"

"Hn…"

"Lesson number three," Kakashi drawls from behind his book, "Always expect a series of disastrous events to happen simultaneously and consecutively," Just as his students start to wonder what it is he was talking about, they hear a child's scream echo through the house from upstairs. At the same moment, they can make out a muffled scream from outside and another from the basement.

The Genin share a long look, "I'll check outside," Sakura offers and proceeds to do just that. Sasuke heads to the upper level without a word. Naruto glances at the closed door that he thinks is the one that leads to the basement.

Naruto opens the door slowly. It creaks loudly as it is opened and Naruto can now make out the sound of weapons making contact with wood and childish whimpers. He heads downstairs with a battle cry. He stops when he sees his sensei throwing shuriken at their charge, only missing by a mere hairbreadth each time.

"Baka-sensei! What are you doing, dattebayo?"

"Lesson number four," Kakashi doesn't stop throwing shuriken at the terrified child, "Always expect the unexpected," Naruto makes a couple of clones that jump at his sensei, distracting him while the real Naruto makes a grab for Toraburu.

"Gotcha!" Naruto immediately climbs up the stairs. He doesn't get far before he yelps as his clones' memories invade his brain. A shuriken whizzes past Naruto's ear and he almost jumps out of his skin. Naruto jumps around the basement, making sure not to topple anything over while dodging the weapons at the same time.

"What is _wrong_ with you, dattebayo?!" He demands as he keeps on dodging the shuriken with Toraburu frozen in his arms. His clothes are getting torn as Kakashi's weapons cut through them every now and then.

-oOo-

Meanwhile, Sakura is still looking for Toraburu outside. Her pace quickens when she smells the distinct smell of burning fire and sees the telling signs of smoke. She heads in that direction and stops in her tracks when she sees her teacher getting ready to throw a wailing Toraburu into the flames.

"Sensei! What are you doing?" She demands angrily while shaking her fist in the air.

"Lesson number four," Kakashi says with a smile as he gets ready to throw the kid from atop a tree, "Always expect the unexpected," Sakura almost pulls her hair out when her teacher lets go of Toraburu, leaving him to fall into the fire. She times her jump and leaps, catching the child in midair and landing on the other side of the fire. She sweat-drops as she sees the fire starting to expand. Kakashi sends a Water Style jutsu after her, putting out the fire, but the water continues to follow Sakura.

She evades the first jutsu. Kakashi sends a series of Fire Style jutsu after her. Sakura takes to the trees, the fire missing her but just barely. She runs back to the house with the poor kid hugging her like her life depends on it, and it does.

-oOo-

Sasuke heads upstairs nonchalantly. He searches for their charge relentlessly and finds her huddled into a corner. He taps her shoulder impatiently, "Hn…" Sasuke is completely taken aback when the girl jumps nearly out of her skin. She turns around and looks about ready to burst into tears.

"Cool-nii…! He's crazy!" Toraburu exclaims, immediately latching onto Sasuke's leg. Sasuke tries to shake her off, but her grip is unyielding. The girl starts wailing very loudly. Sasuke's fingers twitch involuntarily at the annoying sound. His hands reach for a kunai in his weapons' pouch, but he knows he mustn't kill their charge.

"He's back!" Toraburu yells, pressing her face into Sasuke's stomach and looking like she isn't about to let go any time soon. Sure enough, _he_ comes, an eye-smile firmly in place. Kakashi walks towards them with scissors in one hand while his other jerks at regular intervals.

"Come now… I only want to give you a haircut," He says in a voice that suggests he isn't completely sane.

"Kakashi… What has gotten into you?" Sasuke asks coolly as he lets out a breath through his nose.

"Lesson number four," Kakashi drawls out, "Always expect the unexpected. You want a haircut too, Sasuke?" Sasuke feels entirely justified when he throws the window open and jumps onto the nearest tree with the girl in his arms.

-oOo-

A few hours later, the three Genin are back in the living room, each of them in different forms of disarray. Naruto has a lot of rips in his clothes. Sakura has a few burns that are very noticeable. Sasuke has some strands of hair missing, a fact only Sakura notices. The real Kakashi gives his three students and their respective three charges an amused look.

"Where did you all go off to? I felt lonely with only Toraburu-chan here to talk to," Kakashi says in such a manner that has his students questioning his sanity. Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura look at Toraburu.

"Which is the real one?" Sakura asks, feeling too tired and drained to try and figure it out herself.

"One way to find out, dattebayo!" Naruto exclaims enthusiastically, getting ready to cut the Toraburu in his arms. If it's a henged clone, it'll pop out of existence.

"Don't, dobe. What if the one with you is the real one?" The four Toraburus blink at them.

"How stupid…" They all mutter at the same time, "It's obvious I'm the real one!"

"When is her mother returning?" Sakura asks tiredly from her place on the couch.

"Tomorrow morning, but who knows, she might be early!" Kakashi says with another eye-smile, "This is the perfect time for lessons! Lesson number five," His students, excluding Sasuke, groan, "It seems you are not enjoying my lessons as thoroughly as I had expected…"

"You call these lessons, dattebayo?! You're trying to kill us _and_ Toraburu-chan too!"

"Maa, maa, Naruto. I simply believe in practice and not lectures. And wasn't it you who said that babysitting missions are boring? I am only helping you have a little fun!" _Yeah, right… you're the only one having fun!_ The Genin think as they glare at their smiling teacher, his grin visible even with the mask covering half of his face and his forehead protector covering a quarter of it.

"I'm hungry," One of the Toraburus mutters. Her opinion is quickly agreed to by the remaining three. Sasuke doesn't move from his seat on the couch. Naruto looks a bit embarrassed while Kakashi doesn't move an inch. All three males give Sakura a pointed look.

"What?" she asks, her exhaustion seeping into her voice. Then, she understands, "Why me?!"

"Hn…"

"I don't know how to cook anything other than cup ramen…" Naruto rubs the back of his neck sheepishly. Kakashi flips another page. Sakura glares at all three of them.

"I'm not making food for four people," She fixes her glare on her teacher.

"Lesson number five," Kakashi says instead of making his clones disappear, "Expect your enemies to force you into tough situations," His students give him incredulous looks, "Run along now, Sakura," he says as he flips the page. Sakura gets up, grumbling and sore all over, but she makes food enough for the four kids. None of them thank her, which is to be expected.

"Time for bed," Sakura decides and tells as much to the four girls.

"You can't tell me when to go to bed!" The five-year-old argues and all the others agree as well, "You're not my mother!" The effect of the statement is ruined by the girls' consecutive yawning. Sakura's eye twitches again.

"Toraburu-chan. Stop causing problems and go to bed…" Sakura orders in her best grown-up voice.

"Lesson number six," Kakashi's voice drifts through the room, "Always be ready to save your client, even from himself, by any means necessary," The girls' faces flush angrily and each of them heads in a direction different from the others.

"I've got this, dattebayo! Multi-shadow clone jutsu!" Naruto's hands fly into the familiar sign and a number of clones pop into existence, "I'll go get them!" All the Narutos say at the same time before each two follow a Toraburu while the real Naruto stays behind. It's only a half hour later that Naruto sighs in frustration.

"What a kid! All my clones are gone, dattebayo!"

"It's only natural that even a five-year-old can beat you in a fight, dobe,"

"Teme! I'd like to see you do better, dattebayo!"

"Hn," Sasuke sighs; his teammates aren't being useful even in a mission as silly as this (made inexplicably harder due to Kakashi's natural insanity but his point still stands). He makes another three clones to head after each of the girls.

"Go to bed," Each clone tells Toraburu. It only takes that one word before all the girls get ready for bed. Sasuke smirks in triumph at his teammate. He just has this effect on girls, no matter how old they are. Naruto seethes angrily.

"How are we going to sleep like this?" One of the Toraburus asks. With a sigh, three of them vanish, leaving only the real one.

"Hmm… now that Toraburu-chan is asleep, perhaps it's time for a few other lessons," Kakashi is amazed by the sheer speed sleep seems to come to his students after that sentence.

Night passes uneventfully, thankfully enough. Toraburu's mother arrives early the next morning. The Genin on Team Seven are all too happy when the Jonin enters the house to be greeted by her daughter, "Have you been good for the Genin, Toraburu-chan?" The girl nods enthusiastically.

"I told you I don't need any babysitters! That Cyclops caused more trouble than I did!" All three Genin silently agree. Toraburu runs off to her room before her mother gets a chance to scold her.

"Thank you so much for looking after Toraburu-chan! I know he can be rude sometimes, but I hope he hasn't been too much of a bother!" Suddenly, the Genin aren't as bothered by their teacher's inexplicable love for pissing them off nor by his proved insanity.

"Ano… You mean… Toraburu-chan's a boy?!"

 **Author's Notes:** This started as Kakashi-centric and then kind of spiraled out of that domain… I hope you enjoyed this story regardless! It's just a one-shot, but I might consider adding another chapter including another mission. Depends on the feedback I get really. Anyways, thanks for reading! Please leave a review!


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